


Kuebiko

by Mister_Spock



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Hurt!Spock, Major Injury, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-08-19 07:48:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8196599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mister_Spock/pseuds/Mister_Spock
Summary: Spock is seriously injured after an accident on a planet.Dealing with the aftermath becomes more of a battle than anyone could imagine.Complete.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> kuebiko  
> -a state of exhaustion inspired by acts of senseless violence. 
> 
> Currently, I have this listed with no archive warnings.  
> Depending on how the self harm scenes go, that may change but for now, I wouldn't say this is graphic at all.  
> I also have rated it Mature due to the content that's to come regarding self harm.

Spock could feel the stinging tear of flesh from the deep gashes in his side, strained as he held on to the edge of a sharp drop where he had been knocked by some attacking creature. 

Each of the three deep tears in his flesh stung and burnt unnaturally, and he wondered if there was some sort of poison in the creatures claws.  
His fingers gripped the edge of the rocky drop. He heard someone call his name when he was knocked aside, but that was all, no help came. The others were having their own struggles with the beast. 

He should pull himself up, try and help the others. He looked down behind him at the drop. He could see a clearing at the bottom, trees some way off.  
If he fell, he'd hit some of the rocks below him. The fall could kill him, he supposed, depending on how he fell, how he landed at the end. He strengthened his grip on the edge. 

And suddenly everything changed. The air was hotter, comfortable, and his Mother was looking at him, her eyes wide with fear. And they didn't say a word, just looked at one another, and he knew what was coming.  
He could hear the ground around them falling away, was being pelted with rocks as the landscape was destroyed all around them.  
But all he could see was her, all he could look at were her eyes.  
Warm, compassionate, loving.  
And then the ground shook and she called, reached out for him.  
He reacted, grabbed for her before she slipped from view but she slipped from him. 

But then reality came to him and he was scrambling for purchase on the edge that he'd just let go of, in a bid to grab a woman who had died already.  
His strength caused him to crush the rocky surface under his fingertips, turning it to dust and rubble as he slipped down, unable to right himself.  
He caught a glimpse of something blue above him as he slipped away from the edge, and saw McCoy's stunned face for a second before he crashed into the first of the jutting formations of rock that peaked out from the side.  
He tried to grab it, to stop himself from falling further, but he couldn't stop the momentum of his fall and the ground was hurtling towards him, the distant sounds of McCoy yelling his name getting further away as though he barely existed any more, as though he was falling into another world. 

The next ledge he hit broke his fall briefly, and he was aware that something broke. He couldn't locate any pain though as his body was numb from shock.  
He supposed it was a good thing.  
He didn't feel anything else as he fell the remainder of the drop. Just watched the ground as he flew up towards him.  
He hit the ground with a heavy thud, unconscious and badly injured.

He briefly woke. He couldn't feel pain, but he could still feel. One arm was underneath his body, the other sprawled out to one side in front of him. He was face down on the ground, able to see a deep laceration on his arm he hadn't been aware of but that clearly came from the attack by the creature above, the claw marks unmistakable. His blood oozed out sluggishly and pooled onto the ground. He was breathing in dust and dirt but he couldn't do anything about it, didn't even care to.

Suddenly hands were upon him and rolled his onto his back.  
McCoy and that same blue shirt and same worried look. He realised that he'd strapped something around his neck to stop him moving and he was talking to him but Spock couldn't hear a word, couldn't hear anything.  
It should be worrying but he can't focus on what part of him he should be most worried about right now so he just lets it run past him.  
The lack of reaction though seems to be concerning to McCoy because he's staring into his face, speaking silent words to him. Spock can't even focus enough to make out what they are, but when he sees McCoy look down at Spock's body, Spock's eyes follow.  
There he can see one badly mangled arm, the one crushed underneath his falling body. He can see bone, but it still doesn't concern him.  
He doesn't slip into unconsciousness, he's just gone, everything is black. 

~

His first few trips into consciousness are vague and confusing. 

They are pain-free and yet he feels so wrong. His distress must be clear enough because one of the nurses who's beside the bed turns to him and tries to tell him comforting, soothing things. He wonders if such things actually work for a human and then wonders if this nurse has had her full training and knows to treat alien races differently to humans and their expectations.  
The nurse moves herself closer to him and he can smell her. Not a perfume, but her smell, sweat and antiseptic all cloying to her skin.  
Her face is tight with tension and he realises, as he feels the bones in his mangled arm grate against one another, that she is attempting to block the sight from him.  
With that done, she stands back and then McCoy is stepping up close to him. He doesn't say a word, just jabs a hypo into him and the darkness reclaims him. 

The next jolt into consciousness is more confusing than the last. He thinks the ships on fire.  
He can feel the heat from the lower decks and imagines the flames slowly creeping across the decks. His imagination running wild in his delirious state, he thinks the crew must be sleeping and he starts to think how they'll all be either consumed by the smoke before they even wake or the fire might be at their door before they have a chance to move and they'll be trapped inside.  
His distress is noticed by a nurse, who tells him to calm down. The nurse notices the increased heart rate and temperature and another hypo is administered to him.  
The nurse sits back down beside Spock's bed, where's he's been all the time, Spock realises belatedly. He picks up a wash cloth from a bowl and wrings out the excess water before laying it across Spock's forehead. “It's just a fever, Sir.” he tells him. “The creature that attacked the landing party was quite aggressive. I-” he wants to say more but stops himself. “You should get some rest. You're doing much better, Sir.” He sits back, out of Spock's view and stays quiet and soon, Spock gives into the heat, reminding him of the home he'll never visit again. 

There are other vague bits of consciousness he experiences, but none long enough to make sense to him. When he next wakes up, it is four days after he had fallen.  
He's on the main ward in sickbay but it seems to be relatively quiet. He can see someone on a bed far off to one side of the room and nurses going about their duties. On his right hand side, a chair has been pulled close to the bedside and McCoy is sleeping in it. Spock isn't sure how to feel about that and so he doesn't acknowledge any feelings about it at all, pushing the whole thing down, ignoring it. 

He doesn't know if something alerts McCoy to him being awake, but the Doctor wakes shortly after him. He barely acknowledges Spock as he checks over his vitals first before sitting back down in the chair. His exhaustion is obvious. 

“Nice to have you back in the land of the living,” McCoy says. He leaves a beat for Spock to reply but Spock can't think of what to say, so he stays silent. McCoy nods a little, like he understands, and then continues. “Okay, so lets talk about your health. I'll start with the creature that attacked you. Took a good chunk out of you and it has a low level poison that isn't enough to kill you but slows you down. Makes you feel tired. It's a way that thing can hunt down anything it wounds to eat later. It's still in your system and we're just letting it run it's course. You might feel a little more lethargic than usual, but don't worry about it, okay?”

Spock gives a nod of understanding. 

“That was the easy part. Falling off that cliff was a bit worse. I'm just going to be blunt about this because there's no sugar coating it and I don't think you'd want that anyway. You broke your back. You broke both legs. Your left arm is shattered. Some of your internal organs are a little bruised and battered but nothing's been punctured which had been my main concern. So, you're going to be fine, but it's going to take some time to heal. Now here's the bad news. As you know, the bone knitter hasn't been invented that can replicate the strength of Vulcan bone density. If you wish, we can run it on your legs to aide healing, but it's likely that, with others that have used the knitter on a Vulcan, that your bones will be fragile and break more easily. I'm sure you've read about the cases.”

Spock nods. 

“Even if that were an option you wanted to take, there's no way I'd allow the bone knitter to be used on your back. So, for now, we're looking at a six week stay in here, flat on your back, not moving.”  
McCoy could see the colour drain from Spock's face at the prognosis. “I know it doesn't sound great, but six weeks isn't as long as it sounds. It'll fly by. Now, your arm is another matter. Your right arm was pretty much crushed underneath you when you landed. We're looking at three months for that to heal, but you'll be one your feet by then so, it won't be so bad. Any questions?” McCoy asked, hoping he'd get something from Spock.  
He knew the Vulcan was troubled by what he'd just been told. 

“Six weeks?” he asked, his voice strained and low from lack of use.

“I'm afraid so.”

“My quarters?”

“I'm sorry Spock, if I could, I'd let you return to them to heal. But I need to keep an eye on your back, make sure you're not moving about at all. You could make it a lot worse being left alone. And besides that, you've also got an unknown poison coursing through your body. While it doesn't seem to be having an adverse effect, I can't risk putting you in your quarters. I'm really sorry. I could put you in one of the private rooms if you'd prefer.” 

Spock shook his head. His eyes looked distant, as though he drifted away. “It does not matter,” he said. His voice sounded hollow, lifeless. 

“I'm going to let you rest a while, okay?” McCoy said. He increased the pain relief and injected Spock with a sedative. He wanted him to sleep off news like that. “Myers,” McCoy called across to a nurse who came over. “I'm going to report to the Captain and then take a short break. I'll spend the night with him, okay? Call me if anything changes.” 

“Yes Doctor.” 

~

“So how did it go?”

“I feel like I just kicked a puppy.”

“That bad?”

“He's a little... compromised right now. I mean emotionally. He tried not to show it but it's not what he wanted to hear.”

“He'll be fine. I mean six weeks, he can manage that.”

“Yeah, of course. Keeping him mentally stimulated will help. As many reports or files you need him to do, keep piling it up because it'll help if he can feel useful.”

“Right. He'll be okay though, right? Eventually.”

“Of course. It's just a blip. Now, can you get back in touch with Sarek, update him on Spock's condition and ask him of anything that might help Spock's healing, or anything traditional that Vulcan's might use. I want him to feel that his Vulcan heritage is being catered too.”

“Yeah, I'll get right on it. And erm, when can I come and see him? I mean, now he's properly conscious.”

“Ask me again tomorrow. I want to give him some time to adjust. But I'm sure once he's over the shock of it, some games of chess will be much appreciated.”

“Thanks Bones. By the way, you look like crap, get some sleep.”

“Yeah, I'm going too. It's my shift on with him tonight.”

“When isn't it? Have you let anyone else do a night shift yet?”

“Hey don't you have a ship to run?”

Jim smiled. “Just look after yourself too.”

“Hey, I'm the Doctor here.”

“Go. Sleep.”


	2. Chapter 2

2.

 

The message alert woke Jim up. 

Anytime there was a serious incident on board or on an away mission, Jim would always be notified. The message was never detailed, it would just inform him of the incident, the time it occurred and the Doctor attending.   
It was McCoy who was attending. 

Jim showered, dressed and headed down to sickbay. He waited in McCoy's office, knowing that no real update would come from anyone until McCoy was finished. He busied himself with his PADD, updating reports and going through some of the senior staff requests.   
Before he knew it, McCoy came bargaining into his office, stopping dead when he saw Jim sat at his desk. 

As soon as Jim got his first look at his friend, he knew something had gone horribly wrong. McCoy let out a deep sigh, shoulders sagging slightly as the door closed behind him and he could let his guard down a little in front of his friend. 

“Bones, what happened?” Jim asked as he got out of the seat, moving round to McCoy's side of the desk and pulling out the brandy he knew he kept hidden away, He poured McCoy a shot and handed it to him. The Doctor downed it before even speaking a word, moving to sit down before he did anything else. 

“I'm sorry, Jim. It's Spock and it's not good news.”

Jim visibly paled but kept his voice steady. “How bad?”

“It's serious. We were attacked by some God awful creature on the planet. Knocked Spock onto the edge of this great fall and he was holding on. If I had been a little quicker-”

“Stop. You don't get to blame yourself for an accident.”

“He sustained serious injuries from the fall. Broken bones, damaged organs. It's nothing life threatening but it's serious and it's going to take him off duty for a long time to recover.”

“Okay. So tell me the prognosis.”

“Six weeks.”

“Shit.”

“And that's just for the initial breaks to heal. It'll take longer to have them at full strength. And his right arm is just a mess. It'll take longer to heal but he can probably start sitting up in bed after the six weeks.”

“Probably?”

“It's the back I'm most concerned about. If he doesn't stay still and let himself heal properly, he could make matter worse.”

“Okay. Six weeks. I guess I best see if Sulu wants temporary first officer duties.”

“He's not going to be back in six weeks. I mean, if he's incredibly lucky, he could maybe be back on the bridge in a limited capacity in eight.”

“Can I see him?” 

Bones nodded.

~

Jim visits Spock daily, sometimes several times a day, while he is unconscious. 

He thinks talking helps him. The first few days of the visits he thinks Spock looks too pale and the bruises on his face don't help. Spock had been intubated, mostly as a precaution McCoy had told him, but it made Spock looks incredibly vulnerable, Jim thought. 

The timing of the whole thing couldn't be worse either. Uhura was currently on a secondment for six months. She was four months into it and weeks away if she cut it short and returned to the ship to be beside Spock. Jim had promised her daily updates and medical reports on Spock and as soon as he was awake, he promised he'd sort it out so they could speak every day. It would be as much for Spock's benefit as for hers, he knew. 

The first few days pass by relatively the same as the first. Spock started to show signs of returning to consciousness and was in and out for a few days before he finally woke up several days later.   
McCoy had been anxious about talking through Spock's injuries and recovery with him and Jim had agreed to meet with him afterwards.

They agreed to keep Spock as occupied as possible during his recovery. Spock isn't someone who would be happy with small talk. And he'd believe that they had better things to do than sit beside him.   
Jim could already hear him say how illogical the whole thing was.  
He just had to make sure what he suggested was completely logical. 

~

The PADD was suspended over the bed, positioned so Spock could easily see it. 

While Kirk and McCoy had thought of plenty to keep Spock occupied, actually doing it was more of a problem. He could read reports but he couldn't make any himself due to the awkwardness of using the PADD. They could set them up to function with voice recordings but because Spock was in sick bay, he would disrupt other patients.   
Chess was good at first, but even Spock's 'good arm' had still been injured in the fall and after a while playing, Kirk could no longer ignore the way Spock's arm shook as he went to make his move.   
They stopped their game of chess and Jim got Spock's opinions on some of the staff's appraisals that needed doing but Jim sensed Spock's discomfort suddenly. 

“Jim, you do not need to try and occupy my time.”

“I want to be here with you, Spock.”

“I have limited abilities right now, Jim. You do not need to try and fill the time. Meditation is as important to vulcans as sleep is to humans. It helps to keep mind and body in order.”

“So your basically saying get out, I wanna sleep, but in a nice Vulcan way, right?” 

“That would be an adequate interpretation, yes.” 

“Okay, fair enough. But I'm coming back later to check on you.”

“As you wish, Jim.” 

~

It wasn't until the next day that Jim returned, wanting to give Spock enough time to meditate.  
He was a little surprised when he returned to see the privacy field- a high tech version of a curtain- surrounding Spock's bed.   
He assumed the Vulcan was still meditating and went to see Bones instead as he finished up talking to one of his nurses. 

Kirk noticed the surprise in McCoy's face at seeing Jim and maybe... concern as well. 

“Everything okay?” Jim asked. 

“I was coming to see you in a bit.” 

“What's happened?” 

“It's nothing serious, don't worry.” McCoy said as he headed towards Spock's bed. The both entered into the privacy field and Jim found Spock to be either sleeping or meditating. Then he noticed Spock's left hand had been bandaged.   
“I don't know what happened. I wasn't here at the time but the PADD was wrecked and his hand a bloody mess. He said he was meditating, but I'd be inclined to at least argue that he was sleeping, had a dream and got a bit confused about what was happening. Either way, it's not serious and I gave him a sedative to keep him in a deeper sleep. Maybe we'll lay off the PADD for a little while, huh?”

“Sounds like a plan. Will you let me know when he's awake. I said I'd come and see him.”

“Sure Jim. Though won't be until tomorrow now. I'm keeping him out until then.”

Jim nodded, took one last look at Spock before he headed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter was so boring, but there we go. I hope you like it and more to come soon.


	3. Chapter 3

Spock had been dismayed at the prospect of six weeks unable to move from bed.  
But the reality of it was much worse than he had anticipated. 

He could feel himself growing weaker as muscles wasted away with the lack of movement. 

He missed interacting with others. Jim came by most days. He tried to be there every day but Spock knew the visits were becoming more of a chore, something Jim endured more than enjoyed. Jim did try and keep Spock up to date on ship happenings, and he'd send him reports that he had submitted to Starfleet when he had busy days and couldn't stop by, but Spock rarely managed to read them. His mind becoming as tired as his body. Spock was becoming too weak to play chess and as time wore on, he was out of touch with what was happening on the ship so Jim didn't have that to fall upon.  
The silences stretched out longer, the visits became shorter.  
Sometimes he could hear Jim talk to McCoy about the situation and he would assure him he was doing his best. 

McCoy was not put off by the long stretches of silence. Or Spock blatantly ignoring him.  
He stayed beside him, very often during the night, sometimes reading to himself, or catching up on paperwork, other times telling Spock outrageous stories of what had been happening on the ship. He didn't believe most of them since the first time he turned to look at McCoy after a incredibly unlikely stream of events that took place and the way the doctors eyes lit up a little and the smile warmed his features- he was baiting him.  
He wouldn't allow that to happen again and all subsequent stories, Spock remained stony faced. 

Eventually the tall tales stopped. But McCoy still sat there.  
As McCoy said himself, where else was he going to go? He was a doctor after all. 

~

“Where have you been?” McCoy asked, sitting down opposite Jim. 

“The bridge, my quarters...”

“You know what I mean, Jim. You haven't been to see Spock in three days.”

“I've got a lot on, Bones. Sulu's doing great but there's a lot of work to get done.”

“Right. Anything that stops you doing it in sickbay?”

“Yeah, I can't really concentrate down there.”

“Look, I know he's hard work right now and you might not feel like going down to sickbay after a shift, but I think he'd appreciate the visit.”

“I don't know how I can say this but... I just can't be there right now, okay. Spock's not exactly receptive to the visits.”

McCoy let out a sigh. “I know. I'm there everyday, Jim. I know how hard it can be to sit there with him when he's ignoring you. But he's got two weeks left bed bound and then we can work on getting him back on the bridge and you'll see the difference it makes to him, okay?”

It was Jim's turn to sigh. “What's even wrong with him?”

“I don't know, Jim. He's probably never been so dependant on anyone else. You know how proud he can be.”

“I'll try and come by today, but I'm not promising anything.”

~

“Have you spoke to Uhura recently?” Jim asked. 

“No.” 

The chair creaked as Jim shifted uncomfortably. 

Spock didn't look at him when he visited any more. He would stare at the wall.  
He sounded bored. Even when Jim engaged him in subjects he knew Spock enjoyed, he couldn't get much out of him. 

“Spock, is something wrong?”

“Besides my broken back and legs you mean?” Spock replied. 

“Yes. Because I know this is hard for you but I don't what else I can do.”

Spock turned his head, looking away from Jim completely. 

~

It was on the third day of week five that McCoy declared Spock's back was healed enough for him to return to his quarters.  
He would need plenty of work to strengthen muscles but that would come with time. 

McCoy expected some level of relief from Spock. Maybe in his words, more than his behaviour, but he got very little response from Spock.  
He decided to move Spock to his quarters, hoping that a familiar setting where he would be comfortable would help aide his recovery.  
From there, everything got a lot worse. 

~

Spock had been out of sickbay for four days. 

McCoy had been doing therapy with him to help improve the strength in his muscles that had been lost during his extended rest.  
He had arranged a call with Uhura, hoping that talking to her now he was more mobile would improve his spirits. 

“I'm going to put the PADD on his desk and then I'll help him over into the chair. I'll leave you two to talk as long as you want and I'll do his therapy afterwards.” 

Nyota had beamed at the prospect. Except none of it went to plan.  
McCoy announced his arrival to Spock as he placed the PADD on the desk before going into the bedroom to retrieve Spock.  
Only Spock wasn't on the bed as he had been when McCoy had checked the medical monitors before heading down. He was sprawled on the floor.

McCoy's instant reaction was to help Spock but knowing Nyota was waiting on the PADD, able to hear anything troubled him. “Hang on, Spock.” McCoy said as he crouched down next to the Vulcan. It was then that he saw Spock had done himself an injury, a cut slicing open the palm of his hand and glass shattered around him. He helped Spock up, who stayed silent as McCoy half lifted him back onto the bed. He noticed the dampness of the bed and worked out what had happened. 

“Are you okay?” he asked as he took his hands away from Spock waiting to see if he could hold himself upright. Spock nodded as McCoy went back through to the PADD. “I'll call you back soon,” he said quietly to Nyota. He could see he was concerned but she simply nodded. 

McCoy grabbed his kit and went back through to Spock. “Who was that?” Spock asked. 

McCoy sat beside Spock on the bed, ignored the dampness. “Uhura. It was going to be a surprise. Don't worry she couldn't see anything from where I put the PADD.”

“Yet she will ask questions and find out.”

“Not from me.” McCoy assured him. Spock didn't reply. McCoy cleaned the wound on Spock's hand and bandaged it. “Right, let's clean you up.”

~

Jim had seen a lot of moods from McCoy, but he was struggling to find a time when he'd seen the doctor so mad.  
Especially unnerving that his wrath was aimed at Jim. 

“I always thought you were a good friend, Jim. Loyal.” Bones ranted. “But you're not. You're selfish.”

“Fine, so I'm selfish.”

“You don't have to be so damn proud of yourself about it. Why would you do that, huh? Why would you abandon someone when they needed you the most?”

“Because he told me not to bother, okay?” Jim finally snapped back. 

“What?”

“And he's Vulcan, so it wasn't like he was saying it so I would visit him. He meant it, Bones. He didn't want me there. And you wanna know why he ignored you and he hasn't talked to Uhura either? It's because he doesn't want too. He doesn't want us around, he never did.”

“Jim, he's been through a lot. Not just this injury but before that. His mother, Vulcan, Ambassador Spock.”

Jim laughed, shook his head. “You don't get it do you? All that stuff hasn't made him act like this, it made him act like he was our friend. But he wasn't. He's a Vulcan and they don't need friends. They don't want them. He made sure I got that.”

“It's easy to say something like that in the heat of the moment...”

“Yeah. But he showed me. He melded to me and I saw how he really felt. About you, me, Uhura. Everyone. If you could see how much he hates me for what I did to him after his mother died- I'm not even surprised really, I hate me for doing that too him. How he feels when you use those terms for him- hobgoblin or whatever else you think of.” Jim leaned in closer to Bones, lowered his voice. “The way the bridge crew has been loyal to me, despite what I did to him, that he's way more qualified to be Captain than I am, that Chekov didn't save his Mother but did manage to save his two human friends Can he lie about that?”

Bones didn't say anything. “He showed you all that?”

“Why would I lie about it? I thought we were friends Bones. We're nothing to him.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You lucky buggers! Look at me getting a chapter out mid-week! Go me!

“Spock, why haven't you been answering my calls? I've been worried about you.”

“I have not had time. My recovery has been my priority.” Spock replied. 

He didn't make eye contact with her, even through the screen they spoke of the vast distance between them. 

“And how is that going?” Nyota pressed, pushing away emotion from her voice. 

“Inadequately. I do not believe the Doctor is able to assist me in making a full recovery. He is not able to take into account my Vulcan heritage being greater than my human heritage.”

“Have you spoke to him about it?”

“I will inform the Doctor I no longer require his assistance.”

“He won't agree to that. He's the CMO.”

“It was not a proposal. If he does not agree I will seek treatment on Vulcan.”

“You mean New Vulcan.” Uhura corrected. She watched as Spock seemed to freeze, as though he had forgotten about the loss of his planet.

“That is what I was implying, yes,” he eventually said. But he didn't seem certain any longer. “I must work on improving my strength. If you will excuse me.” Spock ended the call abruptly and stayed sat at the desk. 

His back and leg strength were improving and he could make his way around his room with little trouble. He knew he had a long way to go before he could leave his quarters. 

But there was part of him, a dark, quiet part that he had no real awareness of before that spoke softly to him, asked if he really wanted to go back out there again. If he wanted the human crew judging him for all his failings and weaknesses, for his lack of emotion, lack of warmth and kindness in their eyes.   
Why was he even on this ship?   
Better perhaps than the VSA as he would always be a failure to them but to be seen as lesser in the eyes of the human species as well was humiliating.   
And he just couldn't hear the rational part of his mind. The part that recognised the commendations and praise he'd received through his career. The part that recognised the friendships he'd made, his closeness to Nyota.   
In fact, if he were able too, he would be aware that the dark quiet presence grew stronger everyday, fading out all the rational parts of his mind. 

And he would also be aware that he was in great danger. 

~

Bones didn't get much sleep. 

He couldn't stop thinking about what Jim had told him. He had sloped off after telling Bones everything about Spock, shoulders slumped like he'd just lost everything. Bones remembered that feeling after the divorce. 

But despite Jim being convinced of what he knew, Bones doubted it.   
The first thing that countered Jim's argument was that Spock was with Uhura before anything bad had ever happened. He didn't date her because he lost his Mother and his planet, he already was dating her.   
And if that was a lie, then there was no reason to believe the rest of it wasn't untrue either. 

He just needed to work out why Jim believed it. 

~

“We need to talk,” McCoy said, pulling the chair out that was neatly tucked underneath Spock's desk. He noted the slight frown that formed on Spock's brow as he sat himself down uninvited. “Sit down, Spock,” McCoy said. 

Spock bristled visibly at that. “As these are my quarters, Doctor, I do not need to await your permission to be seated.” he said and remained standing, though he had to keep a hand on the chest of drawers behind him, due to his lack of strength still. 

“Fine,” McCoy said. He wasn't planning on beating around the bush now. “What's going on with you?”

“Specify.”

“Jim seems to think you have some issues that need addressing.”

“Such as?” 

McCoy said nothing, studying Spock. He could see that he was straining to stay upright. He wondered if Spock would rather collapse than admit he needed to sit down. “Tell me about the meld.” He said, unwilling to give Spock any information. 

“It is a personal matter.” 

“That's fair enough, but what about where I was concerned?”

“It was between myself and Jim.” Spock said. 

“Okay. For the record, if at any time my comments seem like they are going too far for you, I'd appreciate you telling me. I wouldn't want to offend anyone.”

“How noble, Doctor.” Spock says. His tone is void of anything and McCoy can't tell if he's sincere or not. He decides to believe that Spock is genuine. 

“Okay, one last thing before I go,” he says. He can see Spock's arm shaking with the strain of staying upright. “You requested I cease with your therapy sessions. For what reason.”

“I- I do not believe a reason is necessary.” Spock says. He falters and has to grip harder on the wall. McCoy gets up and pushes the chair over to Spock who takes the seat offered, sitting heavily in it as McCoy turns his back on his and paces away. He gives him privacy, but attempts to make it look like he's contemplating what to say next.   
When he considers that Spock has had enough time to gather himself back up, he turns and steps a little closer. “I'd like to know. If there's a reason that I'm not suitable I need to know.”

“It is a personal preference.” Spock says. 

“Seems somewhat illogical. However, my patients best interests are my top priority. So, I'll do a deal with you. You've made some good progress but you have a way to go still. So I will be completing the rest of this week with you and if I'm confident with your continued progress, I'll hand you over to one of the nurses.”

“That does not sound like a deal.” Spock replied. 

“It's either that, or you just have me until I deem you fit for duty. Take it or leave it.”

“Very well, Doctor. I accept your deal.”

“Good. Now, it seems like you've exerted yourself enough today. So, I want you to get bed rest for the rest of the day. And before you say anything, I'm going to work on a plan for you that I'll help you with over the next few days and if all goes well, your nurse will continue with and it'll also contain plenty of exercises you can do yourself that will help. But the rules are the rules- you rest for the remainder of the day. Understand?”

Spock nodded. 

“Good.” McCoy said. Spock stood ready to usher McCoy out of the door no doubt. “Oh, there's one last part of the deal.” He pulled out a monitoring band from his pocket. “I want you to wear this until I say otherwise. It just monitors your vitals.”

Spock's look darkened at the idea and he stared at McCoy. 

“Problem?” Spock stayed silent, not consenting to the band or refusing it either. “Hold out your wrist then.”

Spock held his hand out, but with his palm up, a clear indication he wanted McCoy to place the item in his hand, not to put it straight on. “You can trust me to apply it correctly, Doctor.” Spock said. 

And McCoy felt like by saying that, he couldn't. He passed it over and Spock clasped it in his hand. “You're not going to wear it now?”

“I wish to shower first. That is acceptable I take it?”

“Well it is water proof, but that's fine. As long as I see the readings coming through within the hour.”

Spock nodded. 

“I'll be back in the morning and we can continue the therapy. Get you out of this room, hm?”

“Yes Doctor.”

“And don't forget, bed rest.”

Spock nods as McCoy dishes out his instructions. McCoy takes one last look at the band, at Spock's serious and strained expression- standing too long again- and heads out. 

~

Spock is relieved once McCoy has gone. 

His head is pounding and he leaves the band on the floor, dropping it as soon as McCoy has left. He goes into the alcove where his bed is and lays down, closes his eyes.   
Tries to block out the noise and the light.

It takes him too long to realise it's inside his head. He tries to use mental discipline to keep it controlled but it has no real affect. He gets up and heads to the wash room, stripping off and leaving his uniform in a heap on the floor, rather than putting them straight in the recycler. 

He runs the water too hot, ignoring the warning and overriding it as he steps in. He gasps at the burning heat pounding against his skin, but it stops him thinking about the pounding in his head. He barely notices the black spots dancing in front of his eyes, and he feels himself falling and the smooth wall of the shower unit gives him no way to stop himself. 

The shower unit automatically shuts off after ten minutes.   
He doesn't wake up until almost twenty minutes after that. His head is still pounding and his throat feels raw. He crawls out of the shower and grabs for a towel, wrapping himself in it.   
When the towel is drawn across his shoulder, he winces in pain and notices a mess of scolded skin. 

He dries himself half heartedly and heads back across to his bed, picking the band up as he goes. Despite his shoulder, he pulls on his pyjamas, revelling in the warmth they offer him. He connects the band around his wrist and covers himself up.   
His eyes are heavy with sleep. 

But he doesn't sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some detailed (but not graphic) descriptions of self mutilation.

Spock woke late in the morning. 

He remembered thinking that the ship looked dull and dark. He eventually got himself up and dressed.  
When he looked at himself in the mirror, he looked tired and sick.  
He didn't look again. 

~

McCoy came to see him later that day.  
He ran through some techniques for Spock to carry out to help with his recovery.  
Spock watched the Doctor demonstrate them and nodded his understanding, but did not attempt any, even when prompted. He told McCoy he was tired, which wasn't a lie, and that he'd work on them later. 

He never did. 

~

McCoy started bringing Spock meals himself. 

The meals the nurses bought him remained untouched and while McCoy struggled to get Spock to eat, eventually, he'd have eaten enough to satisfy McCoy. 

~

McCoy arrived earlier than usual one day. 

He didn't think nothing to it. Spock was in the bathroom when he entered with the tray of food and Spock was stood in front of the bathroom mirror a shard of glass in one hand holding it just in front of his eye. 

“What the hell are you doing?” McCoy snapped, tray discarded as he rushed over. 

Spock held the glass shard away from himself. “I was merely studying it.”

McCoy looked at the mirror that was shattered. “How did that happen?” he asked as he searched for evidence of an injury and found blood dripping from Spock's hand. “As if I didn't know. Why do you need to study glass?” He asked, grabbing Spock's bloodied hand he quizzed “Did you punch the mirror?”

“I do not recall.” He lied easily. 

“Spock, this can't go on. Your behaviour is starting to concern me and along with your lack of progress and weight loss due to poor appetite I'm going to have to get you back in sickbay if you keep this up.”

“It will not be necessary.”

“I'll be the judge of that.” McCoy said. He sighed. “Go and sit down and I'll bring you your food.”

“I am not hungry.”

“Spock, just go. While I clean this up and I'll see to your hand and then I'll feed you. Damn, like taking care of my daughter.”

~

He didn't often feel at a loss. 

But he was now and he needed to go to someone about it. 

Jim was not only his friend, but he was the Captain. And Bones had a big problem.  
It was late in the evening when he went to see him. He'd be mulling over his choices all day and didn't really know what to do next.  
Going to Jim was admitting defeat in many ways and that didn't sit well with him.

Things with Jim had been a little tense recently. They hadn't spent as much time together, but mostly because McCoy was spending a lot of time with Spock, trying to help him.  
Not that the Vulcan appreciated the help which was most of the problem. 

“I need to talk to you about Spock,” McCoy said as soon as he entered Jim's quarters. He saw Jim's guard go up as soon as he mentioned Spock. 

“Oh?” he said. 

“There's something really wrong. Maybe he's depressed, I don't know but he.... he's acting weird.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Talk to him. Try and help him. As his friend.”

“But I'm not his friend, Bones, I told you. I'm done with him.”

“Are you even serious, Jim?”

“I don't know why you can't understand this. I want nothing to do with him on a personal level. Okay? Now, if you want me to co-sign a report to say his unfit for duty, I'll do that on your recommendation. Maybe he should be diverted to New Vulcan. I'm sure we could spare a shuttle.”

“Jim, I am telling you that there's something very wrong with your friend, and all you want is to get him off the ship?”

“He's not my problem, Bones.”

Bones was silenced by Jim's words. It took him a while to gather himself before deciding on a new strategy. “You're right. There's nothing I can do for him onboard. But I can't- in all good conscience- just stick him on a shuttle and leave him. I need to take him to New Vulcan myself.”

“You're my CMO, I can't spare you.”

“Can you find me the nearest Vulcan healer then?”

Jim yawned. “Ask Sulu. If he can find one, we can divert the ship and you can make sure he gets off safe, if that's what you want.”

~

Spock felt as though his mind was unwinding. 

Like a ball of strong dropped and the thread had come loose. His mind had always been organised and clear and now it was confusing and a bad place to be.  
There were things that had caused him pain and suffering, things he had dealt with and put aside that now resurfaced and fresh agony washed over him. 

He wasn't consciously aware of what he was doing. The knife in his hand, the blade embedded in his shoulder as he rocked it back and forth.

He was numbed to the hurt.  
He was tired.  
But there was awareness within him. Of something looming. Dark and cracking inside of him and when it finally shattered- he did not know what would happen. 

~

“What can I help you with, Doctor?” Chekov asked. 

“Since Spock's injury, he's been acting really weird, not like himself at all, and Jim's been... all over the place too. Now, Jim said Spock melded with him so that might be part of this, but I need a healer to determine that. But Spock's a different matter.”

“I admit I have not been to see the Commander. Mostly because Mr Sulu visited and said he seemed somewhat... distracted.”

“Okay, so here's the thing. I've been concentrating so much on Spock's physical recovery that I neglected the fact that he was poisoned by that thing that attacked him. It didn't seem to have any affect on him, but what if this is the affect.”

“I see what you are saying. What can I do to help?”

“I'm looking for abnormalities in his system. I know this isn't your field, but you've got a gift for spotting the smallest discrepancies. I figure this will be the same.”

“Aye Sir. I can help.”

~

Spock never thought that something inside his head could be so painful. 

He had been laying on his bed, drifting as meditation was pointless, when he felt something pop inside his mind. 

As soon as it happened, he was flooded with agony. He was too far gone, instantly, to be able to understand that this was the culmination of all his life's agonies released at once. Every cruel taunt, every harsh word, every bad feeling he had about himself all coming to him at once. 

He dropped his head into his hands, fingers clawing at his hair, his skin, his eyes, trying to find the root of his pain, trying to stop it. 

All rational thought had gone. 

He just wanted the pain to end. 

~

McCoy was in sickbay with Chekov when the alarm started beeping. He checked on his PADD to see Spock's band was flashing several warning.  
He didn't even stop to read them, flinging it to one side and grabbing an emergency kit and heading straight to Spock's quarters.

He was surprised to find Jim stood at the door to Spock's quarters, gawping in, but doing nothing else. McCoy shoved passed him, yelling at Jim to come in or get out as he grabbed Spock where he was yelling in agony in his sleeping quarters. He gave Spock two sedatives which calmed him enough, but didn't knock him out completely. Spock lay there limp and unmoving, looking more like he was stoned, bloody and scratched and vacant. 

McCoy secured Spock's wrists in cuffs as Spock's eyes rolled uselessly from side to side, too out of it to focus. Bones looked round at the door to see Jim had choose to leave and he sighed. He released Spock from the grip, laying him gently back down on the bed as he called for a gurney.  
He needed Spock in sickbay. 

~

In sickbay he gave Spock the third sedative to knock him out. 

In a private room, he stripped the Vulcan to dress him in clean clothing and stopped in horror at what he saw.  
Spock, for the most part looked fine.  
Except in a few choice areas where he had focused his energies.  
A patch on one thigh that was covered in small, precise cuts horizontally across the skin, his hip that was inflamed, infected and terribly burnt. The hair from his genitals had been pulled out and he saw what he first believed to be a rash across Spock's lower abdomen, but when he inspected it closely, he saw tiny flex of glass had been inserted into his skin. A scan showed that an irritant had been added, some form of chemical.  
On Spock's shoulder was a deep wound that looked to have been purposely widened. It had a covering on it, when McCoy took it off, something unnatural came out from the wound, not blood. It spilt out a little and McCoy touched it, surprised by the grainy texture. He used a tricorder to determine it was some type of salt or sand. Another irritant to a wound.  
He felt sick.  
But the worse thing was, he knew Spock was the one who'd done this to himself. 

“What is wrong with you?” he said quietly to the unconscious man. 

The cuts on Spock's thigh were minor and he just wiped them over with a steriliser to make sure he didn't get any infection. He checked to make sure nothing had been added on to cause irritation and found the skin clear. The burn was another matter and would take days if not weeks to clear up but he again sterilised the wound.  
The removal of the glass was delicate work and it took him some time to remove the tiny shards, flush out the wound and make sure all traces of chemicals were free.  
The shoulder wound was the most significant. The size of it was concerning. It looked as if Spock had stabbed something into his shoulder and then twisted it to make the wound bigger. The pain must have been excruciating. Clearly Spock had removed the band when he'd done this, though it was fresh enough that it had been inflicted on his person sometime today.  
The burn and the cuts seemed a little older, maybe two days ago at tops. 

He flushed the shoulder wound, feeling blessed that Spock was so out of it as he all but scrubbed out the inside of his flesh to remove anything that shouldn't be inside. 

When he'd finally finished his gloves were tinged green and his hands were shaking.  
He pulled a gown over Spock's body, tucking it at the sides and not actually bothering to put it on. He pulled a cover up over Spock's body and then secured the restraints. Wrists, elbows, ankles, thighs, waist and neck.  
He could risk Spock getting hold of anything. 

He set monitors to alert him when Spock was showing signs of consciousness, he wanted to be here when he woke up, and made sure no one else entered unless it was urgent. Spock didn't need anyone seeing him in the state he was in. 

He went and checked on Chekov's progress, who instantly picked up on the Doctor's distress and eventually convinced him that he could handle a few hours in the medical labs with no problems and the doctor should go and sleep.  
McCoy relented but only went as far as his office, pulling down the emergency bed that flattened against the wall at all other times. 

He took a mild sleeping pill and drifted away.


	6. Chapter 6

6.

“Doctor.... Doctor.” 

McCoy's eyes opened slowly. There was a minute or two where he couldn't remember anything and then it all came back to him. Every. Damn. Thing. 

Pavel Chekov stood over the bed. “I'm sorry to wake you, but I have good news.”

“I'll wake for good news any day, kid.” Bones said sitting up and scrubbing sleep from his face, trying to focus on the PADD being held in front of him. 

“We were able to locate the poison in Mr Spock's system. Though it is an unknown toxic substance and a cure will not be quick. The science labs are working on it as a matter of priority.”

McCoy let out a sigh of relief. “That's good.” 

“You could get back to sleep I would think, Sir.”

“No, I need to check on Spock and find out about this healer.”

“Can I do anything else for you, Sir?” Chekov asked. 

“No, not unless you have a desire to be a coffee boy, I'm good. Thanks.”

~

McCoy's first stop was the labs after he checked Spock was still sleeping. 

The poison in Spock's system was not only incredibly strong, it was intelligent. It was able to mimic harmless cells in Spock's body to stop itself being attacked. It then made it's way into his system, slowly growing stronger in a benign mode. It grew in strength without attacking, so that when it attacked, it's affects were too great for Spock's body to handle. With Spock being so badly injured, it gave the poison longer to grow that much more potent.  
If Spock had been human, he'd have been dead already. As it was, his half human side had weakened his fight against it. Being a full Vulcan would have given Spock a better chance. 

But despite all that, they were confident in getting something within the next six hours that should help Spock fight against it. McCoy was concerned about the damage already done to Spock, but he'd have to cross that bridge when they came to it. 

Next, he checked in with Spock. He was groggy but mostly conscious. 

He couldn't seem to understand that he was restrained and pulled against them to the point that McCoy sedated him again when his distress grew to an alarming level. 

When McCoy exited Spock's room, Chekov was waiting for him with a coffee. 

“You're a lifesaver,” he said, taking the cup. 

“I have more good news for you, too. The healer has arrived.”

~ 

It was one thing getting Jim to agree to have a healer on board for Spock, it was another trying to get that healer to look at Jim. 

McCoy requested Jim and Sulu come down to sickbay- Jim there for the obvious reason and Sulu as backup in case McCoy needed help with Jim. He's requested Chekov to fill Sulu in on everything.  
When they got there, McCoy welcomed the healer and took him into his office, asking Sulu and Jim to wait in Spock's room.  
McCoy filled the healer in on the situation, who looked troubled. 

“You are saying that Spock did this meld without consent and with intent to deceive his Captain?”

“Technically yes, but Spock isn't well and I don't believe for a moment that these actions were carried out with malice or intent.”

“A meld with Spock will show the truth.”

“I think a meld right now with him would be a bad idea. As far as I can tell he lost all control. I don't want to put you in danger, but I'd sure like you to stick around. If he has been affected, I'm sure he could use some help once we've sorted out. Now Jim doesn't know you're here for him, so I might have to knock him out for you to check him over.”

The healer seemed to accept this and nodded. 

“Okay, lets go then, unless you need anything?”

“Just the one I am here to see.”

McCoy lead the way through to Spock's room, where Sulu stood close by to Spock's bed, clearly distressed by Spock's appearance. He had lost a little weight from the trauma he'd been through and the restraints across the bed were rather alarming. He wished he'd thought to warn them first. 

Jim on the other hand was leaning just inside the door, ignoring Spock and looking utterly bored. “Am I done here?”

“Actually Jim, could you and Sulu get the restraints off Spock first?” he asked. 

Jim huffed but stepped forward. Before Bones had a chance to get a sedative ready, the healer stepped up behind Jim and used a nerve pinch on him, holding him up so he didn't fall to the ground.  
“A chair for him, please.” he requested. 

Sulu moved the one beside him over towards Jim and helped lower him into it. They watched as the Vulcan touched his hands to Jim's face. “The meld will be brief. I shall simply explore what has happened and inform you before I do anything more.”

“Fine,” McCoy said. They fell into silence as the Vulcan healer adjust his fingers slightly on Jim's face and closed his eye. After a minute or two, no more, the healer removed his fingers from Jim's face. 

“There has been some clear intrusion into your Captain's mind. However, it is only in regard to your Commander Spock. The positive aspects, the friendship has been sealed away while there is a misplaced dislike attached to Spock. He was smart to not attach strong negative feelings.”

“The way the Captain's been when it comes to Spock recently, that sounds about right.” Sulu confirmed. 

“Jim said that Spock showed him things in this meld. It was part of what made Jim believe what Spock said. That he didn't consider us friends.”

“If Commander Spock is in an unsettled emotional state, he may have transferred some feelings that are real to the Captain and exacerbated them to make the Captain's transition from friend to not more believable to him.”

“Can you fix it?” McCoy pressed. 

“It should not take much to correct your Captain.”

~

Jim felt like he woke up from a very restful sleep. 

Except that he had three sets of eyes staring down at him. “What's going on?” he asked, sitting up from the bed he was on.

“How do you feel, Jim?” Bones asked. 

“Fine.” he answered. 

“This is the Vulcan healer. He's here for Spock.” McCoy said. 

“Spock? I-” Jim paused, his face a mixture of emotions. “He.... what's happening with Spock, why can't I remember?” 

“You haven't been asking a whole lot about him recently, Jim.” Bones said.

“I feel like we've had a fight.” Kirk said, brow creased in a frown of confusion. “Is he okay?”

“I'm going to head back to the bridge, it's good to have you back, Captain.” Sulu said, patting McCoy on the arm as he went.  
The healer left at the same time as Sulu, choosing to say nothing as he departed. 

“Is he okay?” Jim asked again. 

“I'm not going to lie to you, he's not great.”

“What's happened, Bones? I don't... I can't work out why I can remember being with Spock and just... didn't care.” 

“You remember the attack on Spock?”

“Like I can ever forget that,” Kirk said. 

“You remember I mentioned a poison in his system?” Jim nodded. “Well it's some clever shit. It's taken all this time but it's attacked him and really screwed him up. He melded with you to skewer your feelings about him so you wouldn't care. That's why you've got some probably very mixed memories about Spock right now.”

“I've not been there for him.”

“You haven't let him down, Jim. He's not been letting anyone help. I'm guessing he was pushing you away because he knew you'd be the biggest threat. But, the good news is in a few hours we should have something to counteract this shit in his system.”

“Should?” 

“Something we've never come across before. It might not be perfect.”

“Can I see him?”

~

Bones warned him before he went into the room. 

Jim asked to go in alone, to have some time with him and McCoy relented. He'd told him about the restraints and Spock's physical condition and Jim was prepared for it, but it looked worse than he imaged it would. 

But the guilt that he'd abandoned Spock during his hour of need was overwhelming. How would he be able to look Spock in the eye when he knew that he'd left him to go through his own personal hell?  
Bones said that Spock had barely seen anyone during his highly unsocial mood but if Jim had been okay he'd have demanded time with him, not let him shrink away into himself the way he had.  
And he wanted to be mad at McCoy about it, but the Doctor was exhausted and Jim guessed close to breaking point himself, having to deal with all this alone. 

Jim moved the seat right beside Spock's bed and rested his head on the mattress by Spock's arm, fingers curling over Spock's hand. 

He wasn't going to be moved for anything. 

~

“Doctor?”

McCoy had retired to his office after Jim had requested some time with Spock. 

He expected Jim to be with Spock for a while which at least meant that someone was with him and if Spock woke, he wouldn't be alone. He hadn't expected any interruptions.  
Especially from the Vulcan healer. 

“Everything okay?” McCoy asked. 

“I went to see Spock while you were with your Captain. I performed a very light meld, to assess the damage done.”

“And?”

“It is extensive. His shields have been destroyed completely. It will take weeks if not months to correct all the damage done.”

“So what does that mean?”

“He will be highly emotional. He will find it very hard to react logically to situations.”

“So he'll act like a human, you mean.”

“No, he will react like a Vulcan, pre-reform. His tendencies might be more aggressive and angry than you are used too. As I said, Doctor, the damage is extensive.”

“You'll stay to help him out though, right?”

“Of course.”

“Sorry to interrupt, Doctor. The serum for Mr Spock is ready.” Ensign Peters said. 

“Wow, moment of truth.” McCoy said.

“Would you like me to be present, Doctor?” 

“I think it might be a good idea. Just in case.”

The healer nodded and followed McCoy from the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope there aren't too many typos in this chapter. I'll go and fix the ones in the last chapter soon! *blush*  
> Also, I'm sorry I didn't name the healer... I'm just.... really lazy. i didn't name him and then going back seemed such an effort! besides that, hope you liked it and please R&R if you want too. :)


	7. Chapter 7

7.

 

It was a waiting game after McCoy administered the serum. 

Spock stayed unconscious after the last sedative wore off and showed no signs of waking. Jim looked pensive but McCoy assured him that it was to be expected after what he'd been through. Spock was drained and simple rest was a good for him right now. 

The Vulcan healer left Spock after being given some temporary quarters to rest in and awaited an update on Spock. McCoy tried to insist that Jim get some rest, but he wasn't going to leave until he saw Spock so McCoy decided not to push it and told Jim he'd expect him to alert him the second Spock showed signs of consciousness. 

It took hours for Spock to finally show any signs of returning to consciousness. 

“Spock, how are you feeling?” 

“Jim.” Spock said then paused while he considered Jim's question. “I feel somewhat nauseous.”

“Do you want me to get McCoy? Actually, I promised I'd tell him when you woke so, I guess you can tell him yourself when he gets here.”

Spock nodded and closed his eyes.

“Do you need more rest? Do you want me to go?” Jim pressed. 

“I am fine Jim. Though I believe my recent actions may require some disciplinary action.”

“No. You've not been yourself.” Jim dismissed. 

“I melded with you. I do not believe I requested permission to.”

“It's okay. I want you to forget about it.”

“You are too forgiving, Jim.”

“Spock, you've never done anything like this before. If it were some kind of pattern, I'm sure we'd be having an awkward conversation right now. As it is, it was a horrible accident that had completely unexpected consequences. I just need you to rest up, and get better and we can put all this behind us, okay?” 

“Thank you, Jim.”

“No need to thank me. McCoy did all the work.”

“I will thank him in due time.” Spock said. 

~

Spock was sat resting in bed when McCoy entered. Eyes closed, but not sleeping. 

“Spock?” He opened his eyes. “I just came to check on you.”

“You checked on me recently, Doctor, surely another check is unnecessary.”

“Well we did a lot of stuff to you that was slightly experimental.”

“I see,” Spock said. McCoy got a vibe of upset from him but studying his face gave nothing away. 

“It was the only way to save you, Spock.”

Spock said nothing else. McCoy continued in silence. 

~

Though McCoy was likely still in the room, Spock had blocked the Doctor's presence out. 'Experimental', he'd said. As though Spock were there as McCoy's personal test subject.   
He could feel his ire rising and could find no way to stop it as his thoughts grew darker. 

~

McCoy called for the Healer to join him. 

Since Spock had stopped talking he had stayed impassively quiet, but now there was no way he could hide the emotion on his face. 

“It is quite normal for him to be highly emotional in his current state.”

“I wouldn't mind if he didn't look quite so murderous,” McCoy said. 

The healer stepped closer to Spock. “Spock, I shall join with your mind.”

“Very well,” Spock said

The healer spent mere seconds in the meld before removing his hand. “Spock needs his rest. Meditation will be good, when he can manage it. Doctor, please accompany me.”

The pair left and headed to McCoy's office. “Your words must be chosen more carefully, Doctor. While I know you meant no harm by it, Spock was angered by both the comment on experimenting on him and you saying he looked murderous. Spock is highly emotional right now. He is not thinking logically, but emotionally. So anything you say has to be carefully thought out before speaking it.” 

McCoy nodded. “I'll be more careful,” he promised.


	8. Chapter 8

“Where are we going, Doctor?”

Spock asked as McCoy lead him down the empty hallways of the Enterprise. 

“Breakfast. You haven't been out of your quarters in days, and it's so early there's no one else about.” McCoy said as they stepped into the deserted mess hall. “You sit down, I'll get us some breakfast.” McCoy said. He noticed the lack of argument by Spock and the fact that he took the closest seat too him meant the short walk had exhausted him. He was recovering, but slower than any of them liked. 

McCoy ordered himself a coffee and toast and Spock a breakfast of some Vulcan fruits and some version of a cracker that was a popular Vulcan breakfast accompaniment. He carried them over on a tray and sat opposite Spock, paying more attention to his own breakfast than he did his companion, even though the breakfast was a rouse. 

Spock was a slow and deliberate eater at the best of times, however since the accident he was painfully slow, but it gave McCoy and opening.  
“I noticed you've been a lot slower with breakfast since the accident. Now, I'm in no rush, but I need to know if there's any physical reason for it. Something I've missed?”

Spock paused between bites. “No Doctor, I find that I have little to fill my day and so rushing a meal is somewhat pointless.”

“Do you ever rush a meal?”

“Why did you bring me here, Doctor?”

“Mostly for breakfast. But also to see how you're doing. I mean, really see. The healer told me about your.... emotional state right now-” Spock looked away from McCoy at that. “-and I understand it's hard to be around anyone too much. But, I don't want you sat in your quarters all the time. How do you feel about coming back for some shifts?”

Spock hesitated for a moment. “In which role?”

“That's up to you. What are you thinking?”

“I think that First Officer duties should stay with Mr Sulu for now.” Spock said carefully. 

“I agree.” McCoy said nodding, sipping at his coffee. “So Science officer then?”

Spock nodded slowly. He looked uncertain, even to McCoy. 

“To start off, why don't you head down there early one morning over the next few days and see what they have going on. See how that feels. And take it from there.”

“Yes, that would be... logical.” 

McCoy nodded, encouragingly. 

“Doctor, I have a confession to make.”

“Go ahead, Spock.” 

“I have made enquiries about leaving the Enterprise. I wish to leave the ship.”


	9. Chapter 9

McCoy had wanted to be present during Spock's chat with the Captain but Spock asked for privacy. 

But he did use his override code to log in to the cameras so he could watch the exchange, making sure he kept the sound muted for their own privacy He wasn't interested in what Spock had to say, as much as he wanted to ensure Spock didn't try and convince the Captain in any underhanded way. 

He knew it was wrong to think such things, and Spock had done that before when he was frankly not himself, but McCoy couldn't help the seeds of doubt that lingered. They stayed a respectful distance from one another and though Kirk seemed upset, he did seem to accept it. Spock was dismissed from the room and McCoy waited a few minutes before he headed there himself. 

“Well?” he asked as he entered the room

“I approved the transfer.” Kirk said not looking up at McCoy. 

“What? Have you forgotten just how much you rave about how hard it'll be if Spock ever leaves the ship? And now you're agreeing to it, without fighting it?”

“It's not like I want him to go. He told me why he wanted to go and I accept that. Besides, he doesn't want to leave forever, just while he's recovering. He think he'd be better on a ship that's focusing on research.”

“Tell me honestly, is it me? Am I being overbearing?”

“He didn't mention it having anything to do with you. He knows his own mind, and this is what he wants. Look, he did confide that being on this ship, with people he knows better makes it harder for him emotionally. If he has no attachment to the people he's working with, it's just going to be easier for him.”

“Okay, fine. I'm glad you're taking it so well, Jim. I thought you'd be more upset.”

“I can't say I'm happy, but I understand why he wants to do it. Sulu will remain First officer and Spock will check through the science team before he goes and make sure they've got everything in hand. He'll probably be back before the latest project has been finished.”

~

The transfer had happened quicker than Bones had expected. 

Spock had been dropped off at a starbase and they had gone on their way. Captain Bates, Spock's temporary new Captain, had sent a communication once the Vulcan was aboard with them, and that was that.   
Spock sent no message himself of him being picked up or any follow ups in the days that followed. 

Jim didn't mention it, and if anyone did bring up Spock, McCoy could tell there was a little bit of hurt in his words. He had expected something from Spock, quite clearly. 

But Spock did things in his own way, in his own time. 

“Doctor?”

McCoy glanced up from the PADD he as going too, finding Ensign Sagard stood looking apprehensively. 

“How can I help?” McCoy asked. 

“Sir, I was doing some research on the toxins that affected Mr Spock.” Stepping forward a PADD was handed over and McCoy looked at it. 

“I thought we destroyed all the test samples of the toxin?”

“We did, Sir. This is the same one that was used on the Commander.”

“It's come back.”

“It's intelligent enough to know how to survive.”

“So right now, Spock's still infected?”

Sagard nodded. “And if I'm right, Sir, it's a lot more aggressive this time.”


	10. Chapter 10

10.

McCoy had ordered Sagard and the others to keep working on a way to destroy the toxins while he raced to update Jim. 

As soon as the words were out of McCoy's mouth, Jim turned to the communication officer who was stepping in for Uhura, DeLoy and ordered him to contact Captain Bates. 

Waiting was tense and an uncomfortable silence settled over the crew of the bridge as they all awaited something.   
Eventually Bates face appeared on the screen. He frowned sightly. “Captain Kirk, how can I help you?”

“Is Commander Spock on the Bridge, Sir?” 

“No, not right now. Did you wish to speak to him?”

“No. No, I don't need to talk to him.” Kirk turned to McCoy “What's the plan?”

“We get him back here, ASAP.”

“I apologise for the disruption. Would it be possible for us to catch up with you and transfer Mr Spock back onboard?”

“Normally, that's not a problem. But we're having problems at the moment. We're set on a straight course and don't seem to be able to override it.”

“Have you asked Spock to try?” McCoy added. 

“He couldn't see any reason for it. He left it for us to work on.”

“Standby.” Kirk said. Communication between the two ships was suspended. “You think it's Spock?”

“A ship that can't change it's course so we can't get to him. No chance he didn't do this.” McCoy said. 

“I don't believe the Commander wouldn't be able to find the fault, either.” Sulu added. “If he didn't know what it was, he wouldn't just give up. He'd work on it.” 

“Okay, they need to put him in the brig until we can get to them.” 

“Captain,” Chekov interrupted before Kirk could speak to Bates again. “If Commander Spock had done all of that to ensure that we could not reach him if we tried, it would be reasonable to believe he would hack into the communications as well. Whatever you say to Captain Bates, it is likely the Commander will be aware of it.”

“That makes sense.” McCoy said. 

“Chekov, I want you to run through our own communications and make sure there's nothing wrong with them, no way Spock could be monitoring them. If there's an issue, fix it. Then contact Uhura.”  
Turning back to the screen, Kirk continued with his call to Captain Bates. 

“Captain, considering the issues you're having, we will meet up with you later. I take it the course your stuck on doesn't take you into any immediate danger?”

“The paths clear.”

“I just.... I just missed Spock, and really wanted to just... have an excuse for spending some time with him. Don't let him know that, okay? I'll catch up with him later. Kirk out.”

~

Spock turned off the screen, satisfied that the Enterprise were continuing on their way. 

He should be in the labs, he knew that but the headache had started during his rest two nights ago and had grew increasingly bad with each hour that passed. He knew he could no longer go to the labs as there was no way he could concentrate on anything there, so he would stay in his quarters.   
He knew if anyone suspected anything was wrong, they'd want him in sickbay but as long as he could hold off, he would. Once he got there, there was no coming back. 

~

Captain Bates considered the call he'd received from Kirk. First, they'd only just dropped Spock off and had wanted to get him back on to their own ship and then, without a second thought, Kirk seemed fine without Spock and was happy to continue on his way. 

It didn't make any sense. 

Tapping into the system, he requested his PADD locate Spock's position. He was in his quarters and quickly checking, he could see Spock was supposed to be in the labs. 

He tapped in a private communication to his CMO for her to monitor the Commander's quarters. He would find out what was going on, one way or another.


	11. Chapter 11

'Commander Spock, please report to your station. Commander Spock, please report to your station. Commander Spock, pl-'

Spock turned the message alert off and then indicated that he was on his way. Spock went into his small wash room and washed his face, brushed his teeth and dressed in his uniform. 

He went and got breakfast eating a traditional Vulcan selection of fruits and then went back to his quarters to enjoy a spicy herbal tea.

Once he finished he disposed of the cup, made his bed and made sure the quarters were pristine. He did not want one item out of place.   
Satisfied that the quarters were as he found them, he returned to the wash room. He turned the shower on, using water rather than the sonic shower. He stepped inside the shower, underneath the spray and pulled the blade from his pocket. He plunged it into his side, where his heart beat furiously beneath the skin, piercing through the vital organ with precision.   
The shower would keep the mess minimal though he noticed some blood had marked the walls. He tried to wipe it away with his shirt but found himself slipping down, away from it, the water running away was green and he'd done it, finally. 

His eyes slipped shut as darkness consumed him. 

Then there was nothing. 

~

“So.... he thinks he just killed himself?” Jim asked, watching the monitor that was recording what Spock believed was happening. 

“Yeah.” McCoy stated. 

“But as you can see, Mr Spock is alive.” Captain Bates reminded them. 

“What happens to him now?” Jim asked. “I mean, that's what he thought was happening so does he just think he's dead?”

“The programme is set to reset. He won't remember what happened. He'll wake up as if nothing happened, but still in the safety of the programme until your people are able to cure him.”

“He's going to keep going through that? Preparing to die and then thinking he's succeeded?” Jim asked, appalled. 

“I know it seems harsh, Captain Kirk, but the sedative alone was barely keeping him under. At least this way we know he's okay.”

“You don't think this is damaging?”

“I think that Vulcan's are resourceful and strong. He'll be able to get over it.” 

“We appreciate your help with this,” Bones said. “We need to get working on a cure.”

“Can you fix your ship?” Kirk asked. 

“Without Commander Spock sabotaging it, should be a lot easier.”

“Okay. Let us know if you need our assistance or if there's any changes with Spock. Kirk out.”

~

Spock was startled awake by a message playing. 

'Commander Spock, please report to your station. Commander Spock, please report to your station. Commander Spock, pl-'

Spock turned the message alert off and then indicated that he was on his way. 

 

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the final chapter guys.

Spock woke with a jolt. Not the usual way he would wake from slumber at all. 

Despite the jolt, he kept his eyes closed but his keen senses told him he was in the medical bay and he slowly opened his eyes to the concerned face of James T Kirk and Dr McCoy. 

“Mr Spock, it's good that you are finally back with us.” Kirk said. His casual words were in contrast to the concerned gaze he wore. 

“Captain.” Spock said, a slight nod of his head as he tried to get his bearings. 

“What's the last thing you remember, Spock?” McCoy asked.

“My injury on the planet. A fall and immense pain.” Spock said. He searched his mind as if there might be more but found nothing. He looked to the Captain. “That is the last thing I recall.”

“Your injuries are fully healed,” McCoy stated. “You shouldn't have much discomfort at all now.”

Spock takes a moment to make sure he has no injuries before he nods. “I feel quite well, Doctor. Perhaps I would be allowed to return to my quarters and shower.”

“I have no reason to keep you, Spock. You're free to go.” McCoy said. 

Spock sat up, carefully in case of any lingering weakness, but found none. 

“I'll come by and check in with you a little later.” McCoy added as Spock headed to the door. 

“That is quite acceptable,” Spock nodded before disappearing through the door. 

Kirk let out a sigh. “So, he doesn't know anything?”

“Didn't seem like it. His body has some more healing to do, but nothing that should alarm him to what's really been going on, not with the injuries he can recall from the fall. Once he's has some time, we can take him to a healer, and let he understand what happened. It's better for him to get over this first.”

“I just feel like it's some sort of betrayal,” Jim said. 

“I know. I don't like it either. But as we're so unsure of how well this new cure will pan out, it may be less damaging this way. Its looking though we got it this time, though.”

~

“Spock? You haven't moved in twenty minutes. Are you okay?” Jim asked. 

Spock looked up from the board he was contemplating and met Jim's gaze. “I believe my mind wandered from the game, Captain. I apologise.”

“That's okay. We don't have to play tonight. We barely got started.”

Spock didn't say anything, just stayed seated, an almost frown on his face. 

“Is something troubling you, Spock?”

“I have been searching for the way to discover what has been hidden from me.” 

“Sorry?” Jim asked, a little surprised at Spock's knowledge. 

“The Vulcan healer would not have been hiding the fact that part of my memory has been shielded from me. I am able to clearly locate the hole in my mind. Yet I am unable to determine why it was shielded from me or any links or memories pertaining too it. It is most distracting.”

“So I can see. Look, the healer wanted you to have a few weeks before they let you have access to.... it. I think it's for the best.”

“I see.” 

“I can understand it must be frustrating-”

“No, Captain. In fact, if yourself and Doctor McCoy feel it is necessary, then I trust your judgement. Your personal knowledge along with a Vulcan healer is sufficient.”

“I'm not sure how I'd feel about it, if it were me.”

“I am certain you would feel the same way. When the time is right, I shall face whatever awaits me. And I shall be prepared.”

“And you'll have us beside you.” 

“As always, Captain.”


End file.
